Chances of admission...redundant, but still greatly appreciated

[Jeromba]

I know a lot of people post on this site all the time, putting themselves out there in exchange for some honest criticism. Unfortunately, I am no different. I applied to tisch and I kind of have my heart set on their film program. I would greatly appreciate comments on my admission chances.

G.P.A.: 3.43 (Might have gone up, I'm doing really well senior year 4As 3Bs mid year)

Weighted G.P.A.: 4.90

Class Rank: 28 (11 %)

SAT I: 1970 (650 Critical Reading 690 Math 630 Writing 12 Essay)

Senior Year Courses: AP English Literature, AP Economics, AP Government, GT Forensics, AP Statistics, AP Psychology, GT Percussion

AP Scores: AP World History: 3 AP US History: 4 Calculus AB: 3 AP English Language: 3

ECs: National Honor society
Greatness in Literature
National Honor Roll every quarter throughout high school
National High School Model UN
Music Honors Society
Pep Band
Weekly Guitar Lessons for several years
Jewish Culture Club
Attended Screewnwriters program at Drexel University over the summer

Assume my essay and dramatic essay were strong. However, in retrospect, I feel my personal statements may have been on the weak side.
Below is a copy of the first 6 pages of a screenplay I wrote. I submitted it as part of my portfolio. It's a character study of William Miller, a 79 year old man who is having difficulty coming to terms with the disappointments and failures that have accumulated throughout his life. Let me know what you think.


OVER BLACK

We hear monotonous breathing.

BLACK FRAME

QUOTE APPEARS:

"You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away - a man is not a piece of fruit."

-Death of a Salesman

QUOTE FADES OUT

FADE IN:

INT. NURSING HOME -- MORNING - 2007

A communal recreational space typical of a mental institution or a hospital. Elderly men and women are watching television, rolling around in wheel chairs, and eating their breakfast as nursing assistants are handing out morning medications.

Two elderly men, WILLIAM MILLER and MARCUS SAMSON, wearing white robes and eating scrambled eggs are positioned directly across from each other at an otherwise isolated table. William is 79, frail, yet youthful and aggressive in spirit. He has thin, strategically dyed black hair and wears a gaudy pinky ring. MARCUS SAMSON is 82, feeble, irritable, and stricken with Alzheimers. Marcus is wearing a yarmulke and has an oxygen tank hooked to his nostrils. William stares at Marcus as he breathes loudly.

MARCUS
(Picking at his eggs)
Can you believe this god damn place? I asked for a bagel and shmear, I will not stand for this.

WILLIAM
Marky, just shut up and eat your eggs.

MARCUS
(Shouting and motioning an aid)
You there, the shikse with the tokhes.

A NURSING AID, in her twenties, attractive, approaches Marcus.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
Be a mentsh and get me a bagel and shmear like I asked, I can't nosh on this drek.

NURSING AID
Sir, you didn't order a bagel, you ordered those eggs.

William exhales in a loud and frustrating manner while he strokes his pinky ring, as the two ignore him.


MARCUS
I'm an old man, I can't deal with this mishigas you throw around me everyday.

Marcus looks down and gestures to William.

MARCUS (CONT'D)
You believe this broad?...

WILLIAM
(Talking out the side of his mouth)
Let him have his damn bagel.

NURSING AID
(rolls eyes)
Sir, I am just pointing out that I have given you nothing but what you have asked for.

MARCUS
No, if you had given me what I had asked for, I'd be sitting here, noshing on a freshly toasted bagel with shmear.

NURSING AID
(Frustrated)
I'll get you the bagel, let me take those eggs.

MARCUS
(Condescendingly)
Thank you.

William leans out form his chair to stare at the nurse's rear end as she takes the eggs and walks behind a counter where a MALE AID, twenties, muscular, tan skin, the epitome of youth, hands medication to a long line of elderly men.

NURSING AID
Where's Mr. Samson's bagel?

MALE AID
(peering behind his shoulder)
It's on the table behind you.

NURSING AID
(Turns around)
Thanks. Everyday of this, how do we do it?

The Nursing Aid walks back to the elderly men

NURSING AID (CONT'D)
Here is your bagel Mr. Samson.

MARCUS
(Insulted)
What is this?...


NURSING AID
It's your bagel.

MARCUS
I specifically asked for some banana pancakes. I will not stand for this...

Marcus slams the bagel at the nurse's feet as William leaves the table to pick up his medication. As he feebly swaggers over, we only see his robe from his waist up.

MALE AID
(Hands medication)
Here are your meds Mr. Miller, this should take care of those bowel problems we've been having.

WILLIAM
(Aggressive)
I don't need any of your god damn meds. You smile behind your little counter everyday, and you think you'll never end up in a place like this, well guess what?

MALE AID
(In Blase tone)
What Mr. Miller?

WILLIAM
You finally open your eyes, your 79, can't get it up, ex-wife's doin the pool boy, and your grand-kids, let alone your ingrate son, don't even visit you on holidays anymore.

MALE AID
Just take the medication Mr. Miller, you'll live longer.

WILLIAM
I'll take your drugs, just don't say you were never warned.

William awkwardly saunters toward two old men sitting on a couch watching television, we still only see his waist up.

MALE AID
(Raises his voice to no avail)
Mr. Miller-- somebody get his attention, Mr. Miller...

WILLIAM
(Irritated)
What? What is it?

Attention is drawn by William as all of the elderly people in the room stare at him.

REVEAL: William is not wearing any underwear as his robe comes completely undone.

MALE AID
You're naked.

WILLIAM
(Looks down)
It's just a penis, it's not gonna hurt anyone. In fact, it barely even works anymore.

William awkwardly wedges himself on the couch between the two men.

WILLIAM (CONT'D)
Scoot in would ya? ¬The nerve of this guy. This penis has seen more in its lifetime than his whole body.

CLOSE ON:

The Television depicts a headline of a local news story of an elderly man who had suffered from heart failure. The NEWS ANCHOR, thirties, female, attractive, gazes intently as if she is able to stare directly at William.

NEWS ANCHOR
RONALD SMITH, owner of the lucrative business enterprise futurecom, a business specializing in helping retirees who want to become productive members of their community, passed away last night at Linwoods, a restaurant noted for its fine dining and...

WILLIAM (O.S.)
My name is William Miller. I'm 79 and I've been living in this hell hole for the past two years of my pointless life. At 79, this is the last place I ever thought I would end up.

CLOSE ON:

To the left of William, sits KEVIN ALLMAN, 90, an obese, decrepit man with disheveled hair who is currently in a corpse like sleep. His mouth is open as he snores.

WILLIAM (O.S.) (CONT'D)
That's KEVIN, he's been here longer than anyone, he could be dead right now and no one would even know. Poor Shmuck.

CLOSE ON:

To the right of William, sits ARNOLD CLIPPINGER, 86, Bald, thick glasses, wearing a veteran's hat. Arnold Stares like a zombie while drool drips down the front of his mouth.

WILLIAM (O.S.) (CONT'D)
That's Arnold. ¬He's served three consecutive tours of duty and how is he re-paid? A metal plate in his ass and adult onset diabetes-- definitely the poorer of the shmucks.


CLOSE ON:

The Nursing Aid arguing with Marcus.

WILLIAM (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Is this what is waiting for everyone when they become old?-- An incoherent argument about pancakes? Is life nothing but a series of shmear and pancake related arguments? What the hell am I doing here?

EXT. RESTAURANT- DAY - 1947

TITLE: 60 YEARS EARLIER

Many Businessmen dressed up in sport coats are dining outdoors in front of a trendy restaurant despite the heat from the sun's blinding glare. Next to the door, greeting incoming customers are WENDY HEART, 26, thin, good looking, waitress, and a much younger William Miller, 19, greasy black, spiked hair, wearing the attire of a busser while sporting a gaudy pinky ring and a gold chain around his neck.

WENDY
God is it unbearably hot out here, it's like death.

WILLIAM
(Tugging at his necklace)
Death? That would be nice right about now. Look at me, I'm shvitzin out here.

William and Wendy stop their conversation simultaneously and start staring at a couple approaching the door together. ¬ROBERT HARRISON, 86, pale, sickly, holding a cane, struggles to walk up to the door of the restaurant as he is being assisted by his wife, LUPE HARRISON, 24, tan, sexy, of Latin descent, wearing skimpy clothing. Robert has a tremendous booger hanging out of his nose as his wife struggles to clean it off with a tissue.

CLOSE ON:

ROBERT AND LUPE WALKING UP TO THE DOOR TOGETHER.

ROBERT
(Smiling, yet mumbling incoherently)
Don't worry about it, just get the door.

LUPE
C'mon papi, vamos--

Lupe smiles at Wendy and William to avoid embarrassment, as they help hold the door open for Robert. William leans in to stare at Lupe's rear end as the couple slowly passes through.

CLOSE ON:

WENDY AND WILLIAM.

WENDY
Wow

WILLIAM
That man-- that's my hero.

WENDY
(Trying to restrain her laughter)
Yea, I'm sure all your heroes are incontinent, yet still remain able to look beyond the language barrier to find true love.

WILLIAM
Who are you to mock Lupe?

WENDY
Well, I know that if I was a housekeeper for an aging millionaire that has trouble dressing, let alone cleaning himself, I'd probably fall in love too.

WILLIAM
Wendy, the man is basically a god among men. Sure, at times, he may not know where he is or even how he got there, but guess what?

WENDY
(Blase tone)
What?...

WILLIAM
He's gonna show up there with the hottest girl, order the finest steak, and drive home to the biggest house. I'd be satisfied with one tenth of his greatness when I'm that age.

 

[Palm Tree Armada]

I have to say the grades/scores are a bit weak but not out of the range of possibility at all, especially for the film school.

I just started reading the screenplay and I have to ask; are you jewish? I am and your excessive use of yiddish words was vaguely offensive. It felt like someone trying to fit every single bit of yiddish they knew into three sentences. Whether you're jewish or not, (and considering you're from Maryland I'm going to guess not) I don't think anyone talks that way. I think I'm coming off as more offended than I am... I'm just trying to say that no one uses shiske, tokhes, mentsh, shmear, nosh, and drek in the span of two sentences. There's a difference between character development and stereotyping...

Actually, I just read a bit more of the script and I have to say I think the whole thing is in bad taste. A comedy about Alzheimers? Or if it's not a comedy I thought it sounded like one, I suppose you could darken it with some good actors...

 

[Jeromba]

Actually, I am jewish and yes.... people talk like that. I live in a very jewish neighborhood. It's not a comedy. It's meant to be a drama with some elements of dark humor. I didn't write it out of any type of malicious intent. I did not intend for anyone to perceive it in bad taste either. However, William Miller, like most of these characters, are not meant to be moral. William has faults. But as the story unfolds, you're able to empathize and understand where he's coming from to a better degree, and I think if you read the screenplay carefully and focus an understanding on the characters and how they interact, it is easy to pick up on these facets. That aside, I really appreciate the criticism! Thank you

And the alzheimers thing, that's a true story. Most of these characters are based on real people.

 

[Jayimess]

I'm not Jewish, and I also thought the Yiddish was mocking and excessive...I'm surprised the writer is Jewish.

Whether you intend it or not unfortunately doesn't matter, it's how it's interpreted.

I think the script shows you have style, but I think you should have made a better choice in abridging your script, especially if it is complete. You didn't really introduce me to the character, and you didn't leave me wanting more. I was very careful in my submissions to leave the reader wanting to know what happens next.

Here, all you know is he's gonna get old. We're all gonna get old...where's the suspense?

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you don't feel attacked, etc, I was simply offering the feedback you asked for.

I am a graduate candidate, so I can't speak to your stats...

 

[Jeromba]

Thanks Jayimess. It's not that he's going to get old. It's the fact that he's miserable and alone in a nursing home. How did he get there? What did he do to become abandoned by his family? I tried to portray him as kind of like the man who lost everything. Maybe I could've made that come across a little better in the first 6 pages. And I can see how many would interpret the yiddish that way, but if you know anyone like that character, you probably wouldn't view it as excessive. I'm not trying to defend myself as much as I just want to express to you where I'm coming from. I'm really enjoying the critiques though

 

[Palm Tree Armada]

I agree with most of what you're saying Jeromba. I live in an intensely jewish community too. It's not that people dont use the words, its just that the frequency of them seemed to be trying to bang "THIS CHARACTER IS JEWISH" over our heads. Lupe felt similarly stereotyped to me. I know you're not trying to be insulting at all, especially since this is based on true events as you said. I've dealt with alzheimers too, and it was very very different in my experience, I guess.

 

[Jeromba]

I do agree with you in that respect. But the fact that he's jewish is not essentially what I'm trying to get across. It's the whole atmosphere of the nursing home. It's not that he's jewish, it's his confrontational attitude that just completely contradicts his illness. Just like William, who is old and weak, yet still persists on his non-existant youthful image, Marcus doesn't recognize how his frustrations are completely unreasonable, but is unable to comprehend this as a direct result of his Alzheimers. They're meant to parallel each other. I guess that confrontational attitude that coincides with his jewish background is just based on the type of people i've grown up around, I can understand how it does seem stereotyped.

 

[Dumb Liberal]

Maybe you could get Kevin Spacy to act in that? Maybe call it American Beauty 2 if you can secure the rights? Just kidding. I think you know how to write a screenplay or parts of one. Good luck.

 

[Jeromba]

Thanks.

 

[REDheadcommy]

Its always funny to see those Maryland kids post their stats online cos we have the G/T's sticking out every which way, and no one in the rest of the country knows what the heck we're talking about

 

[Jayimess]

Originally posted by Jeromba:
I do agree with you in that respect. But the fact that he's jewish is not essentially what I'm trying to get across. It's the whole atmosphere of the nursing home. It's not that he's jewish, it's his confrontational attitude that just completely contradicts his illness. Just like William, who is old and weak, yet still persists on his non-existant youthful image, Marcus doesn't recognize how his frustrations are completely unreasonable, but is unable to comprehend this as a direct result of his Alzheimers. They're meant to parallel each other. I guess that confrontational attitude that coincides with his jewish background is just based on the type of people i've grown up around, I can understand how it does seem stereotyped.

If this was what you were trying to convey, you should know that, to me, at least, all that came across was that he was *so* Jewish, and suffering from dementia.

In regards to Miller, perhaps if you mentioned that he was abandoned by his family, lost everything, it would make you wonder what he did to lose it all. Currently, to me, it just reads that he got old.

I don't know any very elderly Jewish people, though I know plenty from teens to fifties or sixties...and Yiddish is sprinkled in their speech, but not like Marcus' rants.

You may know people like that, but remember, you're not the only one reading it, and it may come across as a little stereotypical and mocking to the average Joe, whether Jewish or not.

But again, you definitely showed you have a unique style and voice. Good luck!!

 

[NySpree89]

I'm from Maryland have no idea what a G/T is... care to explain?

 

[Jeromba]

At my school they offer standard, honors, G/T (Gifted and Talented- It's like a supplement for an AP class if there's not one available for that particular course), and AP for all classes. GT and AP are equal in their weighted GPAs and difficulty.

Jayimess- I really appreciate the criticism and I understand that you're just trying to reiterate how you interpreted the screenplay, but for purposes of clarification, I would just like to point out that I did mention all of these things. The conversation with the Male Aid and the monologue reveal A. his wife left him B. He has no contact with family (son) and C. He's extremely unhappy. However, I completely understand what you're saying, I definitely should've revealed more to get this across. Thanks for the honest advice.

 

[Jeromba]

Just got waitlisted. Still better than flat out rejection.

 

[Jayimess]

Waitlist is second string, bay-bee.

That means you can still get playing time.

Rejection means you have no choice but to sit in the stands...

Gotta hate a sports metaphor...sorry.

Congratulations...it really is something to be proud of, and the game's not over.

Oh, there I go again. Must be the second OSU NatChamp loss in three months getting to me...

 

[Palm Tree Armada]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm probably going to USC instead of NYU so at least one spot at tisch will be open...

 

[Film_Jock]

Ouch! Nice one Palm. OWNED!

 

[Jeromba]

Thanks Jayimess. I am a fan of the sports metaphor.

I don't care if that was suppose to be sarcastic or not Palm, that still makes me feel better.

 

[Jeromba]

I got off the waitlist, I'm in babay