Beginning Screenwriter - Will you give feedback on my screenplay?

[Taylor W.]

hey there, im a beginning screenwriter. It's my first time writing a screenplay.
I'm here to present one of my work, and hopefully receive some advice and notes that i should be aware of.
Thanks everyone, I'll appreciate every comment!

 

[dsulli]

Taylor,

Always, always remember that your script has to get past a reader. As such, you cannot be sloppy in your grammar and clarity. You have a great deal of grammatical mistakes that will get your script marked as a PASS. Take time to do some serious proofreading.

Also, learn proper screenplay formatting. This will even involve how the story unfolds. For example, you have Edward onscreen first and introduce him well after. That's a no-no. But, have your mind on the subtle things as well. You can't show a "summer wind", and how would the audience even know it's summer anyway. A script is imagery and dialogue, basically. You can mention a few things that can't be communicated on screen, but only because they are relevant to things like characterization and so on.

Your dialogue has some formatting issues too. Numbers are NEVER written as a numeric when spoken. It has to be written out as it is said. "Eighteenth" not "18th".

You lean, very heavily on your action/description lines. A little too much.

Okay. So that's enough on the technical aspect. Concerning the story itself, you seem to have started in the middle of the story and not the beginning. Just remember, you as the writer know what you're going for, but that doesn't mean the audience does. So, put yourself in their place, or else you'll confuse them.

Hope that helps.

Cheers!

 

[Taylor W.]

Taylor,

Always, always remember that your script has to get past a reader. As such, you cannot be sloppy in your grammar and clarity. You have a great deal of grammatical mistakes that will get your script marked as a PASS. Take time to do some serious proofreading.

Also, learn proper screenplay formatting. This will even involve how the story unfolds. For example, you have Edward onscreen first and introduce him well after. That's a no-no. But, have your mind on the subtle things as well. You can't show a "summer wind", and how would the audience even know it's summer anyway. A script is imagery and dialogue, basically. You can mention a few things that can't be communicated on screen, but only because they are relevant to things like characterization and so on.

Your dialogue has some formatting issues too. Numbers are NEVER written as a numeric when spoken. It has to be written out as it is said. "Eighteenth" not "18th".

You lean, very heavily on your action/description lines. A little too much.

Okay. So that's enough on the technical aspect. Concerning the story itself, you seem to have started in the middle of the story and not the beginning. Just remember, you as the writer know what you're going for, but that doesn't mean the audience does. So, put yourself in their place, or else you'll confuse them.

Hope that helps.

Cheers!

Thank you so much! As a beginner plus a non-native English speaker, its really hard to notice the mistakes.
Really appreciate your comment!

 

[dsulli]

Hope it helped. Also, if you are a recent transplant to the U.S., also keep in mind the audience you are writing for. For example, British humor does not play well here in America. Most Americans don't get their brand of humor. Also French films have a lot of angst to them that doesn't play well in America either. Just keep in mind the culture you are writing for

 

[Taylor W.]

Hi there,

So i made some improvements in my screenplay. I'll put it in the down below. However, when i was writing it, i encountered some issues:
If i want to show that the recorder is playing the playbacks, should i add (over radio) below the character cue or (V.O) next to the character cue? And should i add (CONT'D) when Edward is rewinding the recordings? i didn't add it, because i want to present that Edward is rewinding files of recordings instead of one recording, but i'm not sure whether it would confuse the reader.

Sorry for taking your time. And thanks again for your suggestions!

 

[dsulli]

Have you ever seen the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey? Treat the voice recorder as a character, just as Stanley Kubrick did with HAL (the computer) in the film. You can let reader know in the action lines that the recorder is Edward's own voice and then treat it as you would normal dialogue, basically.

 

[dsulli]

Keep in mind, you have to introduce the voice recorder as a character as well before it speaks.

 

[Taylor W.]

Keep in mind, you have to introduce the voice recorder as a character as well before it speaks.

Got it Thank you! I can' t how grateful i am for your kindly advice!