Critique My Application Material (And Share Yours Too, If Willing)

[Olivia Song]

Nice! Evocative, tense, crisp. In and out. I tend to write densely so I appreciate the polar opposite in well-done sparseness. What was Chapman's prompt for this? Just a two character 3 page scene?

Thank you so much! Was there anything you think you would've liked to see more out of the scene?

Yeah. The prompt was to have two people stuck in a car and for the scene to demonstrate a change in their relationship. I believe the page limit was 5 but I wanted to keep it as short as possible - cause I tend to write densely as well and I wanted to challenge myself.

 

[cjpsmith]

I'd love some feedback on one of my sample scripts too!
Wrote this for Chapman.

I thought this was great. Very evocative poignant [Manwitch stole my word while I was typing], and you produce a lot of character development from very simple actions and images.

I also liked the balance between the two characters. My first thought was "Ah, the daughter needs to grow up fast to help the mother keep it together," but you actually created a much more nuanced relationship. The two look out for each other.

With the final adjustment of the hairband, you also left me wanting to know more about the story. (Maybe Joy is starting to realize that she wants more out of life?)

My only criticism is that I had to reread it a couple times to make sure I understood the action (exactly who did what and when). I think that might be a product of your efficient use of language for this exercise. More words usually helps clarify those kinds of things.

 

[cjpsmith]

I posted my stuff above (this link), but then realized people might not want to dig through 25 pages of text. So here are the individual PDFs to make life easier.

 

[Manwitch]

Thank you so much! Was there anything you think you would've liked to see more out of the scene?

Yeah. The prompt was to have two people stuck in a car and for the scene to demonstrate a change in their relationship. I believe the page limit was 5 but I wanted to keep it as short as possible - cause I tend to write densely as well and I wanted to challenge myself.

Not really. I mean regarding "more", I guess now that I know you had 2 more possible pages to further develop, I'm curious about what those would've looked like but that's the curiosity of "more" you obviously wanted to inspire and I think how short it is raises the taste level and indicates a general lack of thirst on your part. lol. The 3 pages are like just long enough to flesh out the narrative but not long enough to get tangled in itself. It was a good time to auto-challenge. My guess is that it'll pay off with Chapman.

 

[ngs091]

I will bite.....

It took me a few readings to know what the stakes were. And even then I am not clear on it. I think it's because the character background is ambiguous, making the dialogue and actions rather cryptic.

I got the fact that the stalling/starting-again car was akin to their shifty relationship, and perhaps the progression to start anew. But the story doesn't address the why or the how we got to this point. I also don't know for sure why they are on the road and I don't know where they are going.

I could guess that they are moving away from father to start anew. But what exactly where they leaving behind? A dad that teaches his daughter how to drive? That's all I know.

We could maybe assume that it had something to do with the scratched-out-picture of a man, again, I assume the husband/father of the two, but I wanted the dialogue to be more in-line with not just the veiled reaction, but the causation, as well as address the problem, not circumvent it.


Also, the daughter/mother relationship is shrouded in mystery. If it is a story showing the growth of their relationship (the hairband itself), or the destruction of it (pulling back from being touched by mom at the end,) I couldn't quite tell for sure. If the story is about the uncertainty of the future, then what in the past makes the present important, and the present/future uncertain.

I also feel the need to point out the difference in age. The daughter is 12 and the mother is 25? That means the mother had her at 13 years old?

I am not judgmental, but that oddity could be addressed.

 

[Olivia Song]

I will bite.....

It took me a few readings to know what the stakes were. And even then I am not clear on it. I think it's because the character background is ambiguous, making the dialogue and actions rather cryptic.

I got the fact that the stalling/starting-again car was akin to their shifty relationship, and perhaps the progression to start anew. But the story doesn't address the why or the how we got to this point. I also don't know for sure why they are on the road and I don't know where they are going.

I could guess that they are moving away from father to start anew. But what exactly where they leaving behind? A dad that teaches his daughter how to drive? That's all I know.

We could maybe assume that it had something to do with the scratched-out-picture of a man, again, I assume the husband/father of the two, but I wanted the dialogue to be more in-line with not just the veiled reaction, but the causation, as well as address the problem, not circumvent it.


Also, the daughter/mother relationship is shrouded in mystery. If it is a story showing the growth of their relationship (the hairband itself), or the destruction of it (pulling back from being touched by mom at the end,) I couldn't quite tell for sure. If the story is about the uncertainty of the future, then what in the past makes the present and future uncertain?



I also feel the need to point out the difference in age. The daughter is 12 and the mother is 25? That means the mother had her at 13 years old?

I am not judgmental, but that oddity could be addressed.

Thank you for all of these notes! I definitely don't think I fleshed out the story enough to answer most of them, so again thank you for bringing them to light.

 

[ngs091]

Thanks for the courteous response. And sorry if I only touched on the improvements; you are a very good, crisp writer. I am sure you will have a lot of success.

 

[cjpsmith]

Thank you for all of these notes! I definitely don't think I fleshed out the story enough to answer most of them, so again thank you for bringing them to light.

Personally, I liked the unanswered questions, as they made me want to know more about these characters and their story.

 

[ngs091]

I found in my short fiction story classes that ambiguity often seems to get a pass in a Realism story (coded as Literature in my program) with most people. Ambiguity in stories that bend realism often get marked for underdevelopment, perhaps unfairly. I personally often prefer a blend of both development/ambiguity and realism/non-realism. It gives me the greatest emotional connection, which is the first thing I always look for. But, honestly, writing those stories in an Undergraduate Literature program (of which often values pure and unaltered Realism) was not a fun experience. I hope my screenwriting classes embrace quote-unquote genre stories (although I hate the distinction from people who use it to differentiate between it and 'quality' Literature.)


^ Reedited for clarity...................

 

[ngs091]

I guess what i am asking is.... did anyone out there that writes bended-realism have a similar experience in undergrad? And to the current/past Screenwriting grad students.... do the quote-unquote genre writers have it harder in your program?

 

[ngs091]

@ CjpSmith... sorry for the delay.

I critiqued all but the 10 pager and the Scholarship one.....Well, the Challenging Moment prompt didn't need a critique. I liked that one very much.

Character sketch:

I like the 5-step frame of the sketch, I also like the humor.

However, I think while the piece charts your path to become a writer, it doesn't quite say why you want to be a writer... outside of you like being creative (step #5) and liked imagining creative worlds (step #1.) I want more detail with the why, as most artists surely like being creative but what does that mean both in their life, art, and heart?

That said, you also don't mention what kind of things you like to write in detail outside of classifications (a horror story/a handbook,) that is, what kinds of horror stories, what attracts you to that genre, why do you think the genre is important etc?

I also notice you never mentioned the name of the school itself. Why do you want to go there? What drew you to that specific program?

I also think the piece should have a better resolution than simply telling them that you are applying to them (they know that.) It should end with something you want to learn, or echo your opening paragraph more emotionally.

Edit: Your heartwrenchingly heartwarming Challenging Moment prompt could have been interspersed with this a bit.

Creative Challenge A (the Predator one):

I like the descriptions of action and setting. I do, however, think the action and the high-concept overtook the story.

I don't mind not knowing anything about the Predator, but Bob just seems like a device for the ending punchline. I didn't care what happened to him. And he barely spoke at all.

Also, being a genre writer myself, I stress that in any kind of supernatural element (the Predator in this case) needs to have an artistic (that is metaphorical or symbolical) reason for being in a story if we are writing it for quote-unquote high-art purposes. That is, at least, in a work of something that does more than amuse.

I don't have a problem with pure entertainment, but I would say if you are submitting to graduate school be as meaningful to your voice as you can. That includes your comedic voice.
------------------------
With that said, I think your Creative Challenge B was very quite good.

I liked the idea of how the hoarder seems to be hoarding hopelessly.

What stuck out to me and something I wanted to resonate more was he was doing this hoarding with things that remind him of his wife. And he is doing this hoarding in some sort of odd remembrance. The Paul Simon album was a good touch, something physical. But what specifically about it does he remember?

Also, is his wife dead. I assume she is, but....... don't be afraid to search for the hoarder's causation for this action.

I wanted more dialogue from the hoarder, he just kind of mumbles or condescends. He has no humanity, no tenderness, he's a cipher to his son in all but his memories of his wife. That is, where does his son fit into this relationship triangle other than feel bad for him and want to help him?

Most Challenging Moment:

I love this. It's touching and deeply personal. A++++++

 

[estherk]

Hi all,

Here are some of the things I submitted to USC. Now that I'm looking at them, I'm afraid I didn't 'show' enough and did too much telling (and somehow both ended up being about sexual violence - maybe a bit much!). I'd love some feedback.

Black Rose is the film concept, so that was choice C for the written prompt.
'I'm Sorry, I Love You' is the photo option - 8 photos about a character and a narrative.

I will try and respond about the rest of your materials. Thanks a ton!

 

[cjpsmith]

@ CjpSmith... sorry for the delay.

I critiqued all but the 10 pager and the Scholarship one.....Well, the Challenging Moment prompt didn't need a critique. I liked that one very much.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Nicholas!

I think you're spot on that I could have done more to explore the humanity of my characters in both creative challenges. I think I was too afraid to change the action as I originally imagined it, but it would have been served by more thought on who these characters are and how they interact.

 

[T117]

Hey everyone,

I'm in the middle of reading and offering my personal critiques to everything you posted earlier and was wondering if you'd be willing to do the same. I believe my material may have just not been serious enough, (or the pieces could be complete crap), but I had fun writing them. So maybe you'll enjoy reading them.

Thanks

 

[T117]

@estherk I read through your stuff. Was this for the screenwriting degree? Regardless I will post a little of what I thought...

I'm sorry I love you (photos): I thought that the photos themselves were nice...however the story they told when viewed together I felt had been told a thousand times before. What makes this girl unique from all the other people who have self-image/self-harm issues? That's what I want to see.

I'm sorry I love you (prose): Was this supposed to be in script form, or just prose? It reads very much like a narration for me...rather than really getting to the heart of the characters and their relationship to each other. Everything is stated explicitly rather than coming to light naturally or gradually as an organic conversation or story would in my opinion.

Black Rose: Again this read very much like a narration rather than a script or scene. It wasn't cinematic storytelling, it was more book style prose. I think these are some interesting characters that would be great to explore further or more in depth in a single moment rather than try to convey long passages of time. I want to get to the heart of the characters in each of the pieces rather than feel like a brief narrated synopsis of their life.

 

[T117]

@cjpsmith Here are some of the thoughts I had while reading your material,

Character Sketch: The format is what sets this piece apart. I think everyone recognizes that right away, it's unique and cute. However, I think the actual story you were trying to tell doesn't stick out enough, to me at least. I love the format and think it would be killer coupled with really intimate or personal humor isms from your journey. I think we all love writing, and have taken weird routes to be where we are...but I wanted something in your path to be as unique as the format of the piece.

Creative Challenge A: This is a fun piece, it seems like you had fun writing it. My comments would be first...Idk this is just me personally but when the alien is revealed it immediately breaks the "realism" of the story which is totally cool, however; it could go one of two ways...Bob either accepts this reality and is just freaked out because he thought he was alone...or he's never seen something like this before....either way I didn't feel like you leaned into either options completely. Second, your gag of the alien going towards him but then just clicking the elevator buttons was great, but then you repeated the gag two more times (with the watch, then just flat out grabbing him) which just sort of cheapened it for me. Also, we spent a lot of time in the middle of the story between breaking the ceiling and entering the party, which wasn't necessarily the most interesting part in my opinion. Seeing the Bob and the alien interact is great, and then wanting to know how the party guests feel or how bob feels at the end would be interesting...but personally I felt the middle bit just dragged slightly. Lastly, just to spice it up a little give Bob a reason he needs to stay polished, or get somewhere fast...raise the stakes. I get it's a party but we only get that towards the end. You assume he's celebrating something because of the champagne but what is he celebrating? Is it his party? Make Bob and his life more central to the set-up and you get a bigger payoff. Also, I know that there are really no "rules" that have to be followed in screenwriting...but your piece had lots of slug lines and hardly any dialogue...which is obviously fine but since the piece is more of a showcase to get into a program you might want to showcase dialogue a little more. But I thought the overall premise was great.

Creative Challenge B: I think you paint a very clear environment immediately, but I think you could also cut some of the slugs down and still have the same feel to the piece. The real meat to this story is the father, I wanted his actions or dialogue to be as rich and unique as his hoarding habit. He has the potential to be this super interesting character study...but the scene that plays out is rather predictable, a hoarder doesn't want to give up his material. You added a father-son dynamic which is awesome but I didn't see any reason they couldn't be co-workers, friends, or roommates either....what is something that could happen that really show them as father and son? You mentioned a mother, but it felt like a throw away line....when I read it I was immediately like okay where is this going to go, but it got brushed aside pretty quickly. Also just a side note again...something for the son to need to do this and leave immediately would help raise the stakes for the dynamic of a person wants to go out vs. a person wants to stay.

 

[sharkb8]

I'm curious, is there a place where people who were accepted to top tier schools have posted their work? That would actually be really cool to read, since we can try to determine what the acceptance committee's appreciated about their application.

 

[T117]

@Olivia Song

Hairband: I think this is super simple and effective. I don't necessarily think these submissions need to be "stand alone pieces" to demonstrate someone's writing and storytelling ability. So, I don't think you need to explain where they are coming from or where they are going. Rather, my critique is that I want to see how important it is for Sandy to get away in the first place..I don't care who from, or where to but just the significance...she kicks the tire and says Fuck...but a lot of people would react the same manner to a car breaking down on a regular day. Why was it important for her today...what set's this apart from a regular day, that can help you raise the stakes of the scene which is what I believe is the only thing missing.

 

[T117]

@ngs091

Character Sketch: I felt like this was more of an essay than anything. Whereas idk the looseness of the word sketch itself solicits a completely different meaning in my mind. By writing it in this form as well, it almost seemed like your thesis statement would have been "I soon realized that the genre is just as artistic as any other, and it continues to be my first love until this day." which just doesn't really grab a reader. I love that you clearly know the form and you demonstrate that as well through your use of multiple examples...but you have to take into account a couple of things...you applied for screenwriting not cinematic studies either you have a reader that doesn't care about the genre and doesn't want a history lesson, or you have a reader that being a USC professor probably knows more about the genre then you're able to convey in such a short period of time. Either way, it's a lose lose situation. Your last couple of paragraphs just felt super out of place to me. Assume that everyone knows the value of the classes and the institution if they didn't they wouldn't be applying for a graduate degree. The personal details thrown at the end made it almost feel more like a pity plea...which they are hardships and I'm sorry you've gone through them...but lumping them together then just throwing it out at the end makes it seem like you're trying to leverage them to get in..which I don't think wins anyone's vote. Lastly, signing it off with sincerely...it just felt out of place again...did you write a letter? An essay? I think this piece could've just been about how horror genre has helped deal with the struggles of life in a manner that's unique to you...therefore being more about your character than a brief overview.

Not all fires burn to embers: I think you took a risk here by submitting more of a versed piece. Personally, I love risks and super different takes on things so bravo for doing something utterly unique. However, this piece seemed super repetitive for me. It just was similar ideas restated over and over until you got to the payoff which I felt needed to be upped a little more. I just left the piece wanting a little more. I believe this was your most challenging moment piece? Was this truly your most challenging moment on earth? I felt like you may have coped out a little to write about something you wanted to write about rather than your most challenging moment. Especially after hearing some of the struggles you mentioned in your character sketch to then read a struggle that focused on the craft...it just didn't feel authentic to me.

Elevator scene: I feel like the heaven and hell thing is done a lot...so I liked that you used Judas and Jesus as maybe characters we don't necessarily see thrown into that story line. There are definitely some grammar and typing issues here...but I will just cast those aside and look at the content (because I'm not paying any attention to those as I type this). I don't think you should be wishy washy with slug lines so saying he is 32-33 those are so close...just pick something. Or if you wanted to be vague say (30's). Also, if you wanted to hide that it's Jesus then you can't have the person saying the dialogue named Jesus...until we discover that's who's actually talking. So it would be like Golden Haired Man "hello guy" Dark Haired Man "Oh is that you jesus" Jesus "Yes". So it switches...that way the reader can discover along with your character that it's Jesus. Otherwise I would just outright say Jesus in the beginning of the piece. Something that I thought was really interesting is the idea that the afterlife is using technology that humans create...like humans have the more advanced things..that's an unusual and interesting concept that you sort of throw away, I think this could've been a bigger focus. Also, Idk I didn't feel like Judas necessarily had the right voice...it just didn't feel like there was any conflict or stakes in this scene.

Dinner: I think I struggled with the time period/setting/tone a little bit with this piece. You start by having a more descriptive almost verse like style of words and then have your first line of dialogue be "By the twitching of my eyes, something annoying this way comes," to then completely divulge into a more "normal" modern style of talking between a mother and daughter i.e. "I don’t like that crap now. Not only is it bad for me, it will make me sick. Vomit, even." I was just confused of the tone of this piece and the time period. I didn't quite understand the relationship between the mother and the daughter either...it just felt off...and possibly just as a way to justify your ending. I felt like this piece you had the ending in mind from the beginning...which I don't think helped in this particular case.

 

[Olivia Song]

Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback yesterday/today! I'll return the favor this weekend! Sorry about the delay - I'm still in college and I'm in the battles of midterm season

@sharkb8 - USC/Chapman/BU have accepted me so far (not sure if you were interested in these schools though). If you're interested in seeing my full application, just shoot me a message.